Recovery

I'm with you, typographic art piece--I'm with you.

Oh, Internets.  I don't know about you, but I am beat.  This past week basically just kicked my sorry narrow behind all over creation, as it probably did with many of you.  I mean, it doesn't really matter what holiday you and your celebrate this month as that they all seem to kick off at roughly the same time of the month, and for those of you who have celebrations that last several days, they're either still going on or just about to start.  Either way, even thinking about it is enough to make you want to take a nap.

So why don't we just take it easy today, huh?  Because if nothing else, December should contain at least one day for us to recover from the holiday-related madness.

So why not put on a comfy hoodie...

...Don a pair of equally comfortable (and appropriately ridiculous) slippers...

...And slap a cute cozy around a mug of our warm beverage of choice, and...

...Actually, that sounds like way too much work.  $@#% that noise--let's stay in our jammies and go back to bed.

You with me?  I hope so.  I need somebody to be lazy with me, so that I don't look feel like a jerk for taking a day to get over past few days.  But hey, at least I managed to get post up today--that's got to count for something.

And on that note, see you Wednesday!

Station Break

Yeah, the blog's going to look a little like this for a while.

Due to the combination of a deep and urgent need to recover from this past weekend (ain't no hoodingy like a Greene Family Christmas Hoodingy, 'cause the Greene Family Christmas Hoodingy don't stop) and the sheer amount of holiday-related insanity/busyness that will be taking place this week, Heinous Hats will be taking a week-long break.  But it'll be back next week, I promise--cross my heart, hope to die, stick a pancake in my eye and all that.

So here's hoping you all survive this week and that I do, too.  See you next week!

It's Gonna Get Ugly In Here

Because anybody can send out cards with birds and snowmen and stuff:  

real bad@%$es send out holiday cards like this.

Well, Internets, it's that time of year again--time for the Greene Family Christmas Hoodingy.  Which means that not only am I typing this up way, way, way ahead of time (because I totally am,) but that I'm also in something of a party mood.  And what could be more synonymous with a holiday party than an ugly holiday sweater?

...Okay, that's probably a bit of a stretch, but whatever--I need to get to the point of this post faster, and that crap segue is the best I've been able to come up with.  But in the loosest sense of the term, I am right, as that the ugly holiday sweater has definitely come into its own, having earned enough notoriety to be the subject of its own party theme.

So on the off-chance that you have one of these parties looming in your near future, here's some new ideas for what to wear to an ugly sweater party.

First up, there's always the ugly-sweater-patterned T-shirt, which you can layer over a long-sleeved thermal undershirt for maximum warmth.

Next, there's the vintage route, because why scrounge around for a brand-new ugly sweater when there are literally hundreds already ready to wear?

(By the way, if these things are being rated, I think sweaters with lacy dickey collars like the one above should be awarded bonus points.  Lacy dickey collars go that extra mile.)

Also, remember that the "holiday" in "ugly holiday sweaters" is not limited to Christmas.  So if you celebrate something other than what goes down on December 25th, then let your ugly holiday sweater reflect that.

But if you don't feel comfortable with that/aren't allowed to refer to your faith in such a direct way/just aren't feeling the holiday thing in general, that's fine.  You can wear a completely secular ugly sweater, such as this one:

Why?  Because squid are awesome, no matter what time of year it is.

And that's it for this week.  Have a good weekend, and see you Monday!

The Gift That Keeps Getting Regifted

Sez you, you adorably defensive embroidery pattern, you.

That's right, you heard me right (er, read me right, or read what I typed out ri--whatever, I'm getting off-topic already.)  I'm talking about fruitcake.  That holiday staple that will not die; that brick of pure candied-fruit-and-dried-nut peril; that thing where it seems everybody has a recipe that they swear is will change your mind about fruitcake forever* so you dutifully try a slice only to find that it tastes just like every other bit of fruitcake you've ever tried and now you're stuck trying not to let your face show the despair that your taste buds are currently experiencing because you don't want to hurt this person's feelings and AUGH THIS SENTENCE IS RUNNING ON TOO LONG MAKE IT STOP.

So where was I?  Oh, yeah: fruitcake.  Obviously, I have a lot of feelings about it (none of them good,) as does everyone else to the point where it's almost a cliché.  I don't know how it became a holiday tradition, but for as long as  I can remember, the tradition seems to be that you somehow get one of these supposedly edible bricks and then spend the rest of the season trying to pawn it off on somebody else in what could best be described as a month-long game of Hot Potato (because just like with Hot Potato, the loser is the one who still has the fruitcake at the end.)  Which makes me wonder: if nobody likes fruitcake, why does it keep coming back?

Personally, I think the reason for the continued existence of fruitcake is because of how it looks.  It just looks festive, what with all those unidentifiable red and green bits stuck in it (and being wrapped in either green or red cellophane, natch.)  It probably smells festive too, although I've never had the privilege of smelling a freshly-baked one, so you folks will have to tell me if I'm right or wrong about that one.  So if my hunch is correct, then the fruitcake is the dessert version of watching snow accumulate in fluffy mounds outside your window: because your ability to enjoy it is inversely related to how immediate your experience is.

And furthermore, if that is the case, then why bother baking fruitcake at all?  Why not just get decorative fruitcake instead?  Y'know, like these:

These are infinitely better than actual fruitcake.  Particularly the frowny-faced one, because it so accurately portrays how everyone feels about fruitcake.

Speaking of frowns, how about this ornament, huh?

C'mon, nothing says "holiday spirit" like having one of these pout at out all season long.

Heck, if you want to keep fruitcake in the kitchen, you could get a fruitcake magnet like this one.  It even comes as part of a holiday set, so your fridge will look totally festive.

Or you could just go all the way with the fake fruitcake thing and get, well, a fake fruitcake:

Seriously--if that's all you really want a fruitcake for, all you have to do is take it out of the box, remember to dust it occasionally and then put it away until next year.  Get some fruitcake-scented candles (they exist) and ta-da!  The illusion is complete, and no one has to eat it!

So this year, let's skip the fruitcake.  Save the brandy for the egg nog.  Does that sound good to you?

See you Friday!

*Well, except for your recipe, of course.  Yours is perfectly awesome.

Probably Infested With Nargles

Because if you're going to do a cutesy photo booth picture for your holiday cards, 

you might as well get the appropriate festive props, such as these.

So I was thinking about this month's theme of "stuff that happens in December" and tabbing my way through the Internet, getting distracted by TIME Magazine's Top 10 Everything of 2011 waiting to be struck by inspiration when, luckily finally, I struck upon something that is known for popping up during this month, and that would be that obligate hemi-parasitic plant we call mistletoe.

Or, at least, it used to.  See, this might just be me, but the last time I can recall seeing mistletoe hung as a decoration anywhere was when I was ten (also, it was fake, bent in a semicircle and had a red-suited elf sitting on it, which is only important because it's amazingly ridiculous that I remember that much stinkin' detail about a decoration I haven't seen since the Bush I Administration.)  In the intervening 20 years, I cannot honestly remember seeing mistletoe hung anywhere, which is somehow both surprising and not at the same time.

For those of you playing the "Not Part of the English-Speaking World" game, allow me to explain: Tradition has it that mistletoe is supposed to be hung somewhere from the ceiling, and if two people happen to stand underneath it, then they're supposed to kiss.  No, I don't know why they have to kiss, and Wikipedia ain't helping on that score, either; that's just the rule that somebody made up a long time ago and people went along with it.  While I'm sure that it was originally embraced as a sweet way to spread a little holiday cheer back in the day, things have changed a bit since the 18th century (also, kissing games pretty much died a quiet death among middle-schoolers sometime back in the mid-1980s.)  And if you consider that there's always at least one opportunistic jerk at every party, it's probably safer for everyone that the mistletoe tradition seems to have fallen by the wayside.

But even so, I'm sure there are some people out there who were/are alright with the mistletoe tradition, which is why today we'll be looking at mistletoe hats. Because if you're willing to put up with nargles, then why not?

First up, we've got this highly sparkly mistletoe fascinator.  As to whether it comes with instructions on how to properly pucker up, it appears highly unlikely.

Of course, just because it's mistletoe doesn't mean it has to stick to traditional coloring, as this equally-sparkly blue-and-white mamma-jamma amply proves.

And if you're of the mind that "short, sweet and to the point" is where it's at, then you can't go wrong with a felt mistletoe headband, complete with little sequins.

But then again, who wants to be simple when you can rock something as fabulous as this?

Hey--blending in is fine every now and again, but every once in a while, a person's gotta stand out, y'know?

And on that note, that's it for today.  But if you're still not certain about wearing mistletoe on your head, don't worry: you can always let Man's Best Friend test it out for you first.

See you Wednesday!

Purely Ornamental

'Cause it just ain't the Decemberween season until somebody 

takes an arty picture of a glass ornament on the tree, right?

Confession Time:  I really love Christmas trees.  Patrick Stewart only knows why, as that I'm not all that particularly fond of dragging the tree and its assorted swag out of storage (artificial tree, FTW,) setting the blasted thing up (which is way more complicated than it has any right to be,) and fighting with strings of lights and garlands and taking it down is even more agitating.  But once it's done and you first light that tree up in a darkened room, it just feels perfect and awesome and symbolizes everything I love about this season.

Now if you read that last paragraph carefully, you'll note that I didn't say a single unkind thing about ornaments, and that's because those suckers are pretty much the only part of the whole tree-trimming thing that doesn't find some fresh new way to annoy me.  Not only are they the easiest thing about decorating the tree, they're also the bits that make your tree, well, your tree.  Because every tree's got garlands, lights and a topper, but not every tree has the precise collection of ornaments yours does.  And just because I am all for making your Christmas tree even more your tree, today's post is about ornaments.

In the interest of not staying on the Internet until the wee hours of noon, I decided I would stop as soon as I found any ornaments based on that omnipresent app, Angry Birds.

Needless to say, that didn't take very long.  But I have to admit, these are very stinkin' cute.  And angry, too.

While I think my preference for a different Star Trek series is pretty obvious, I have to admit that I like these ornaments that look like Star Trek: TOS's Spock, Kirk and Uhura.  They have a nifty '60s mod look to them (as well they should.)

Note: I still have yet to have watched a single episode of Doctor Who, but I think I know several people who would love them a TARDIS on their tree.  Which is pretty much why I posted this in the first place.

 Is it just me, or do these Harry, Hermione and Ron ornaments look an awful lot like Fisher-Price Little People?  Granted, I think these are cooler, but there does appear to be something of a resemblance.

And finally, I was already deeply impressed with these Star Wars paper snowflakes,  but finding this ornament cranked my impressedness up to eleven:

And the best thing about it?  You can also use it as an iron-on patch for the BEST HOLIDAY SWEATER EVER.  And no, that is not hyperbole: that is freakin' fact.

And on that note, see you next week!

Minty Fresh

As pretty as this print is, it's hard to think of it as anything but holiday art.  

Classy holiday art, but holiday art nonetheless.

Ah, the peppermint disk; that candy that--at least during the other eleven months out the year--is just a thing people like to toss in their candy dishes/something that gets dropped off with the bill when dining out.  But somehow, once December rolls around, it's like the peppermint disk suddenly becomes The Ubiquitous Candy on the same level as candy corn in October.  It is everywhere, and anything that could feasibly be peppermint-flavored will be peppermint-flavored, even if only for a short time.

Granted, this probably has a lot to do with the annual return of the candy cane, what with them also being peppermint-flavored (for the most part, anyway.)  Peppermint disks are just a little more bite-sized and probably cheaper, too, so it makes sense that they're everywhere once the clock strikes 12 AM December 1st.

And it is with that in mind that today's post is all about peppermint hats.  Y'know, like this one:

Sure, it's not totally obvious that it's a peppermint hat, but I think the use of the accepted peppermint color scheme makes it count.

                                     

Ditto that for this scarf, even though it skipped the stripes and went instead for having lots of round things instead (because peppermint disks are, well, disk-shaped, natch.)

But seeing as this is the season for metric butt-tons of parties (about 2/3 of which you will not be able to get out of even if you feign a popped lung,) how's about some peppermint fascinators?

You could go with peppermints with red winter berries...

...Or peppermints, mulitcolored berries and feathers.  Either way, you will be fancy, and seeing as that tends to be the point of wearing a fascinator in the first place, I'd say that the desired effect will be achieved.

And just because I know which side my bread is buttered on, here's a plushie Peppermint Butler from Adventure Time:

Because frankly, if you anthropomorphised a peppermint disk, I'm pretty sure it would be a cute little butler who threatens to take your flesh while you're sleeping.  That makes all sorts of sense if you squint at it real hard.

See you Friday!

Clogged

Y'know, for being a rather simple print, this is actually pretty neat.  

There's a lot of detail for just being a line drawing.

So, remember when I said this month's theme was going to be pretty much anything that happened in the month of December?  Well, I meant it, and that's why today it's all about St. Nicholas Day, which is actually tomorrow but whatever.

For those of you didn't have my fourth-grade elementary teacher, allow me to break down what St. Nicholas Day is.  It's the feast day of this saint guy who is apparently the patron saint of the following: children, sailors, fishermen, merchants, broadcasters, the falsely accused, prostitutes, repentant thieves, pharmacists, pawnbrokers and archers (Note: Mrs. O'Hara didn't actually say all of that; that's all Wikipedia's doing.)  On top of being a massively multitasking patron saint, dude also had a reputation for secretly leaving presents for people, which is why he's the basis for the modern-day Santa Claus.  Except that St. Nick didn't leave presents in stockings or tucked under a tree.  Nope--this guy apparently liked to stick presents in people's shoes, and that's how the people in the Netherlands continue to roll to this very day.

Which is why today, it's all about those wooden shoes that the Netherlands made famous: the clog.  Because if you're going to put shoes out in the hopes that they'd be filled with candies and whatnot, I'm thinking decorative wooden clogs are a better choice than your everyday shoes.  Just sayin'.

You see?  This woodburn-patterned pair of clogs just proves my point, as well as being hecka pretty.  But I have to say that a pinecone?  IS NOT A PRESENT.  I don't know if that's an actual thing, but if it is, it's gotta be the Dutch version of getting dental floss while trick-or-treating (meaning, basically asking to get a flaming bag of poo deposited on your front steps.)

                                       

If you prefer that your decorative clogs to be even more visibly Dutch, you could always go with a pair that have tulips on them.  Because that's what Holland is known for: clogs, tulips and windmills.

Note: The person who crafted these shoes is actually based out of the Netherlands, so they get a free pass on the excessive use of Dutchery.

Or you could go with chicken clogs.  Because who doesn't love chickens?  Particularly if they're cheerful, red-and-white checked chickens.  Kinda gives these clogs a picnic-and-KFC-bucket sort of feel, I think.

And because kid-sized clogs can only hold so many Tootsie Rolls, here's an adult-sized mosaic clog:

I'm thinking this could hold at least two Kinder chocolate eggs, maybe even three.  And that's what really matters, dang it.

So for those of you who celebrate it, Happy St. Nicholas Day, and if you don't, may your Tuesday be devoid of suck.  See you Wednesday!

Après Nous, Le Blizzard

You know how snow looks really pretty when you're looking out at it from a warm room 

(and therefore not outside dealing with it?)  That's pretty describes/explains why I like this picture.

Well, Internets, it's the second of December, and if you're based out of both the Northern and Western hemispheres, you know what that means.  In truth, it started shortly after Halloween ended, and you might have been trying to ignore it since that Friday of the achromatic variety but once the calendar switched from November to December, there is no use in trying to pretend.

That's right: it is officially the Decemberween season.  And seeing as I am a glutton for punishment sucker for themes, that means we'll be doing another one of those month-long themed thingamajigs.  But this time, I'm not just putting the focus on one holiday.  Nope, not gonna do it.  Why?  Because there's a lot that happens within this particular span of 31 days, so I'm just going to make this easy on myself and make this month's theme "Things That Happen In December."

And what's a thing that happens in December?  SNOW, that's what.  And seeing as it's already seen fit to snow at least once around here already (didn't stick, but it still counts,) that's what we'll be looking at today.

Or, um snowflakes, actually.  Like this subtly sparkly fascinator right here, for example.

Or this old-Hollywood-styled snowflake fascinator (which looks really familiar for some reason or another, but I can't quite place why.)

Meanwhile, I'm pretty sure I haven't seen this snowflake mini beret.  Which I like, 'cause it's tweedy and snowflakey and therefore awesome.

And just because I know I haven't seen this one before, here's a fiber-optic light glitter snowflake tiara:

I think it says something that I really, really like this, because normally I am really, really not a fan of tiaras.  And that something is this: Fiber-optic lights: CRUISE CONTROL TO AWESOME.

And on that note, so begins Decemberpalooza, or whatever I wind up calling this.  See you next week!